My fight with Love and God

I've started a few blogs before. Most fizzled after a few posts because I got bored and didn't feel like I had much to write, even though I've always love writing. I think this one will be different. I'm not writing to promote my business, show off my cats, or talk about my wonderful "marriage", as many people do. First and foremost, I'm writing this blog for me. Writing has always been incredibly therapeutic to me and hopefully this can be an outlet.

Secondly, I am hoping that I can use this blog as a way of talking with other people about these kinds of issues. Sometimes I feel so trapped here, with no one to talk to, that I just want to run off to some far off place. Of course, that'll never do.

Right now my life seems like a stalemate. I'm not happy with where I am, but I don't see or feel like I have any way out that doesn't involve a lot of pain and stress. So I am hoping that my rantings on this blog will be enough to help me eventually reach a conclusion as to what to do.

Lastly, and most importantly, I'm writing this for a girl. You see, six months ago I had a plan. I was going to just sit and bite my tongue and wait to graduate. After finishing my undergrad I would go to grad school at a faraway place and have a few years to sort out my feelings away from the center of Mormondom. But then I fell in love. You girls always have a way of complicating simple things. Now, as our relationship progresses, I am slowly realizing that I may eventually decide that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. And at that point (or earlier) I will have to tell her about how I don't believe in the Church anymore. The thought of talking about that scares me to death. Hopefully, after the horrible, tear filled, conversation is over, she can read this blog and start to understand how I feel, understand that I love her more than anything and that my problems with the Church have nothing to do with her.

Now you can see why I'm conflicted.